I can't sleep! For the past hour since I wrote the last entry God has been speaking to me so powerfully and wonderfully. It is really like the floodgates opening after a long, long time of drought. And I'm writing this now because I want to share what I have heard in its full form, before Satan gets the chance to dilute it.
Ever since I came out of the army I have been trying very hard. Trying very hard to get my life right. Trying very hard to serve God. I knew that God was calling me to a life of total dedication to Him, without distraction. And I was willing to go there. And I started trying to get it right. I thought about all the great things I could do for Him, about the kinds of service in university, and to the community, I could get myself into, about giving money to this and this charity, about all sorts of things I would do for Him. But at the same time I also thought about the things that I wanted to do. Things that I enjoyed, things like travelling, mountain climbing, flying, etc. etc. If you know me you'll know that I'm like that. And I grew very confused, and tired. I knew these things had to go, and yet I struggled so hard to let them go. I knew something was wrong.
And it continued, until yesterday. When God gifted me a book- The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. It changed everything. Because it talked about something that I had not had for a very long time- joy.
And tonight, I finally realised the folly of my ways, and why I have struggled for so long and so hard. It is simply because I have tried too hard. I have tried to be someone that I'm not; I have tried to be more than I could be. Even though it was for the right reasons. I realise now that I am not Superman, and that I can never be. I realise now how great my limitations are. I can try and try and try to serve God as best as I can, but if I'm trying on my own, then everything will collapse, like it did.
And that opened the floodgates. I realised, like I have many many times before, that serving Him is not about what we can do. It is about what He can do. I realise that when we stop trying, like Martha, and just sit before Him, like Mary, He will pour our His love and goodness into our lives. And when we have learnt to cease trying and just be ourselves, who He has created us to be, then His love and goodness will transform our lives. And then He will use us, weak as we are, for His glory.
I have been such a fool to think that I should intervene! John the Baptist said "I must decrease, He must increase." Paul talked about this so often. "For when I am weak, then I am strong". "...for if this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to nought...But if it be of God, ye cannot overthrow it..." "I have planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase..." "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels..." Now I am finally beginning to understand what being an earthen vessel means. An earthen vessel is nothing, crude and rough, sitting there, waiting to be filled. And when it is filled with the goodness of God, then it is transformed into a powerful vessel, a spiritual vessel.
Moses never tried to find God in the desert. God found Him. Moses did not seek to find the burning bush; God placed it there, and Moses turned aside from his way. "And Moses said, I will not turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt..." Ex. 3:3. John Ortberg wrote in the book that God's responsibility is to provide the burning bush, and our responsibility is to turn aside. Whether it be the conversion of a new Christian or the recommitment of an old, experienced Christian, it is the same- God stirs the flame, and we respond. Without the Spirit's first work in our hearts and lives, we would have no hope of ever drawing near to God. And as I look back upon my whole life, I find that this is so true. Those times that God moved so mightily in my life were those times when He provided a burning bush, and I turned aside. I want to say it again- God showed the way, and I followed. Not when I looked for a burning bush; whenever I looked, I would never find.
What is the place of pleasures in my life then that i have talked so much about? What happens to those things that I love and enjoy so much? I have learnt that it is okay to enjoy life and its pleasures. Simply because they are gifts from God. They really are. "All good gifts come from the Father in Heaven." On two conditions. One, that they are not sinful or viceful. That much is obvious. And two, that they do not become what we seek. It is so easy to end up seeking the gifts instead of the Giver, and that was what happened to me. The gifts have their place, as gifts. Our focus must always still be the Giver. If He chooses to give us gifts, then we will receive gladly. I know that it sounds good to all of us if we can live simply with serving God and nothing else. With all our time devoted to Him. And I believe that is possible; but God's grace, and if He wills, one day I hope to reach that stage. But I must admit that at this point, I am what Jesus described the disciples as- "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." I still need rest, I still need enjoyment. But my heart is bent on Him, and I will not substitute any other pleasure for Him. Like Jesus, we must be able to say, "My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work." John 4:34.
Gifts are gifts, and as they can be given, they can be taken away. Suffering will come in our lives. We will suffer, and we must be ready to suffer for Christ. Moses made the choice to obey God, and He suffered much. But I have no doubt that in his heart always was the joy of God. When our hearts are right with God and we are obeying Him wholeheartedly we will no longer suffer because of ourselves. Our greatest enemy- ourself- has been defeated. And whatever suffering we face is merely external, and this means that we will always have the endless joy of Christ in our hearts. Amen!
And so I have decided to stop trying, and let God take over the reins. Do not mistake this for being passive; waiting and obeying when the call comes is different from waiting and doing nothing at all. If you are struggling with your spiritual life and you feel that no matter how hard you try, nothing is changing, then maybe that is the problem- that you are trying to hard. Let God take over. And let Him know that you are letting Him take over. And He will.
I can only end by saying, Praise the Lord.
Ever since I came out of the army I have been trying very hard. Trying very hard to get my life right. Trying very hard to serve God. I knew that God was calling me to a life of total dedication to Him, without distraction. And I was willing to go there. And I started trying to get it right. I thought about all the great things I could do for Him, about the kinds of service in university, and to the community, I could get myself into, about giving money to this and this charity, about all sorts of things I would do for Him. But at the same time I also thought about the things that I wanted to do. Things that I enjoyed, things like travelling, mountain climbing, flying, etc. etc. If you know me you'll know that I'm like that. And I grew very confused, and tired. I knew these things had to go, and yet I struggled so hard to let them go. I knew something was wrong.
And it continued, until yesterday. When God gifted me a book- The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. It changed everything. Because it talked about something that I had not had for a very long time- joy.
And tonight, I finally realised the folly of my ways, and why I have struggled for so long and so hard. It is simply because I have tried too hard. I have tried to be someone that I'm not; I have tried to be more than I could be. Even though it was for the right reasons. I realise now that I am not Superman, and that I can never be. I realise now how great my limitations are. I can try and try and try to serve God as best as I can, but if I'm trying on my own, then everything will collapse, like it did.
And that opened the floodgates. I realised, like I have many many times before, that serving Him is not about what we can do. It is about what He can do. I realise that when we stop trying, like Martha, and just sit before Him, like Mary, He will pour our His love and goodness into our lives. And when we have learnt to cease trying and just be ourselves, who He has created us to be, then His love and goodness will transform our lives. And then He will use us, weak as we are, for His glory.
I have been such a fool to think that I should intervene! John the Baptist said "I must decrease, He must increase." Paul talked about this so often. "For when I am weak, then I am strong". "...for if this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to nought...But if it be of God, ye cannot overthrow it..." "I have planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase..." "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels..." Now I am finally beginning to understand what being an earthen vessel means. An earthen vessel is nothing, crude and rough, sitting there, waiting to be filled. And when it is filled with the goodness of God, then it is transformed into a powerful vessel, a spiritual vessel.
Moses never tried to find God in the desert. God found Him. Moses did not seek to find the burning bush; God placed it there, and Moses turned aside from his way. "And Moses said, I will not turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt..." Ex. 3:3. John Ortberg wrote in the book that God's responsibility is to provide the burning bush, and our responsibility is to turn aside. Whether it be the conversion of a new Christian or the recommitment of an old, experienced Christian, it is the same- God stirs the flame, and we respond. Without the Spirit's first work in our hearts and lives, we would have no hope of ever drawing near to God. And as I look back upon my whole life, I find that this is so true. Those times that God moved so mightily in my life were those times when He provided a burning bush, and I turned aside. I want to say it again- God showed the way, and I followed. Not when I looked for a burning bush; whenever I looked, I would never find.
What is the place of pleasures in my life then that i have talked so much about? What happens to those things that I love and enjoy so much? I have learnt that it is okay to enjoy life and its pleasures. Simply because they are gifts from God. They really are. "All good gifts come from the Father in Heaven." On two conditions. One, that they are not sinful or viceful. That much is obvious. And two, that they do not become what we seek. It is so easy to end up seeking the gifts instead of the Giver, and that was what happened to me. The gifts have their place, as gifts. Our focus must always still be the Giver. If He chooses to give us gifts, then we will receive gladly. I know that it sounds good to all of us if we can live simply with serving God and nothing else. With all our time devoted to Him. And I believe that is possible; but God's grace, and if He wills, one day I hope to reach that stage. But I must admit that at this point, I am what Jesus described the disciples as- "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." I still need rest, I still need enjoyment. But my heart is bent on Him, and I will not substitute any other pleasure for Him. Like Jesus, we must be able to say, "My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work." John 4:34.
Gifts are gifts, and as they can be given, they can be taken away. Suffering will come in our lives. We will suffer, and we must be ready to suffer for Christ. Moses made the choice to obey God, and He suffered much. But I have no doubt that in his heart always was the joy of God. When our hearts are right with God and we are obeying Him wholeheartedly we will no longer suffer because of ourselves. Our greatest enemy- ourself- has been defeated. And whatever suffering we face is merely external, and this means that we will always have the endless joy of Christ in our hearts. Amen!
And so I have decided to stop trying, and let God take over the reins. Do not mistake this for being passive; waiting and obeying when the call comes is different from waiting and doing nothing at all. If you are struggling with your spiritual life and you feel that no matter how hard you try, nothing is changing, then maybe that is the problem- that you are trying to hard. Let God take over. And let Him know that you are letting Him take over. And He will.
I can only end by saying, Praise the Lord.
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